I have a similar situation. I’m close with David, the husband. He’s kind, funny, easy going, deeply caring, and a true team player. But he was very overweight as a child/teenager, and was bullied & even beaten very badly. He’s a normal body type now, and while he does exercise & make healthy food choices, he also doesn’t avoid a beer or a burger at a party; and his exercise regime isn’t as hardcore as some who struggled with weight early on. By the time he met his wife in college, he had lost the weight, and was a new person. None of his new college friends knew him as overweight, and he got to start over. But that part of him that still feels like the ‘fat kid with no friends’ (his words, NOT mine), is very grateful for any attention and kindness shown him.
Enter his wife, who is perfectly average-pretty. She’s not a model, she’s just a rather normally shaped woman with even features and good skin and hair. (Please know, I’m not trying to demean her in any way. I’m also not a model!) She’s also smart, funny, loves her family, and determined. But in David’s world, a pretty girl paid attention to him for the first time, and it was amazing. He worships the ground she walks on. She is a goddess who picked him, and he will never feel worthy of her. Because of that she controls everything in their relationship. She makes every decision, and tells him what to do and what ‘they’ like. There is no compromise or teamwork, and it’s sad to see.
When they were trying to get pregnant with their second child, she picked a 2-month span she wanted the baby to be born in, and was adamant that David MUST get her pregnant at exactly the right time, ‘or else’. Gee, no pressure. You can’t control mother nature. You can try your best, but even all the ‘work’ at the exact right times, can’t be certain that you’ll conceive. But she kept saying he ‘better get her pregnant or else’. I know she doesn’t hit him, but not all abuse is physical; that kind of implied threat can be truly damaging to ones psyche.
When they did get pregnant, it was a summer that I had 4 friends having babies, so I made 4 strip quilts that I could do quickly & easily. When they were done, I showed David, and asked him to pick his favorite for his new daughter. He immediately said he’d go show Amanda, so she could decide. I had to explain that I was asking for his favorite. That she got to choose everything else for the baby, but this one choice, was for him, from me. He still seemed so uncomfortable about it, like he was afraid he’d get in trouble for choosing the wrong one. I finally told him I’d never tell Amanda that I let him choose. I’d just mail it as though it were a surprise to both of them, and he finally picked one he liked. I broke my heart.